they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
