He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
