I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
