3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize