his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
