this just has baby written all over it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
