I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
