Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
