Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize