... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
