I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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