just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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