I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
