You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
