He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize