if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
