Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
