Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
