Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
