I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
