I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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