i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Mom said you looked used
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize