you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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