ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
