too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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