Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
