I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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