I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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