sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
