i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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