I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
