someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
