I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
