Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
