i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I need to stop coming to work sober
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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