I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
