the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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