my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
