hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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