he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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