Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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