So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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