from now on my penis is your penis
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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