He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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