I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
