the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
