Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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