Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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