he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
