And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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