What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
