boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
