do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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