i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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