Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
