he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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