i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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