she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
