I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
