The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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